Sometimes I blog for myself and this is one of those times…but I’m sharing anyway. When I have a myriad of thoughts crashing into each other the easiest way for me to sort them all out is to write them down, so I’m doing some organizing today. It may or may not make sense to anyone but me.

My oldest baby is almost four years old. Seems impossible but it’s true. September 2010 my world changed. My WHOLE world – and it kept changing and it’s not done yet. For the last four years my world has been pretty wrapped up in having babies and all that goes with newborns and toddlers. It’s been a constant state of adjusting and readjusting. You name it and I’ve adjusted it. I don’t really expect that to change anytime soon…or ever…but now that we’ve passed the one year mark with the last baby and she’s weaned and sort of sleeping through the night I’ve been feeling/pondering something new. The days of pregnancy and newborns are over for me and even though it’s a little bittersweet I’m happy to be moving into another stage. Well, terrified actually but I call it happy. Terrible Twos and Trying Threes at the same time has been a blast.

The thing is, four years ago my world changed and it changed me. Mind, Body and Soul. Everyone tells you it will happen and theoretically you know it will happen, and then it happens. Some changes are immediately apparent and some don’t register for a while. When you finally realize you’ve become your mother and your father and a little of your brother, you ask yourself “when the hell did that happen?” But for me the change to my Body has been the hardest to pin down because it’s been in an almost constant state of flux for the last five years.

I’d heard for years that once you hit 30 it becomes quite a bit harder to stay fit or more specifically to see results from any type of diet or exercise regimen. I began this journey right as I was about to turn 30 and completely expected my body to change. I mean you’d have to be pretty dense to not know that pregnancy is going to change you physically in some way. And change it did. Mostly the normal expected type of changes but also some unexpected types. Namely bigger boobs!! Rockstar boobs even!! Okay, I expected them to get bigger but I didn’t comprehend the awesomeness of engorgement…as painful as it is the boobs are amazing.

After Jimmy was born I took the physical changes mostly in stride. I didn’t bounce completely back to my pre-pregnancy weight but I was looking pretty good although my hips seemed to be permanently a little wider than they had been previously. I was so wrapped up in my baby and all of the other adjustments taking place in my world that the changes in my Body seemed to be a problem for a later day.

Then Joey arrived and three months after he was born Liliana demanded her turn. I’ve been busy. But now that I’ve moved out of this pregnancy/newborn/breastfeeding phase I’ve become more and more aware of the changes my Body has made; I’m not 29 and childless anymore and I never will be again. That realization is where I’m at now. If you’re reading this you’re probably saying “Duh! Nothing stays the same. You had three babies of course you look different” and you’re right, of course. Somehow in the madness of sleepless nights and your body growing and/or feeding someone else the changes make sense….but once that’s over you begin to remember who you were before said madness. And then you realize your body isn’t remembering at the same rate.

I’ve come to the realization, finally, that motherhood has changed me…Mind, BODY and Soul. This isn’t a post to say I’ve fully accepted it or am completely okay with it yet but I’m heading that direction. And when I’ve accepted it….something else will change. Isn’t that the way it works?